I’m not someone that usually weighs themselves on a regular basis, so doctor’s appointments always come with an unexpected surprise. 

Weight has always been a little bit of a touchy subject for me. Growing up as a fat kid, I never took off my sweatshirt, even on hot days, because I was never confident enough to walk around without it. As an adult, I now know that it’s not out of the ordinary for kids to be a bit chubby and for them want sweets and junk food all of the time, but I definitely felt shame sometimes for wanting to eat things like Orange Chicken, and constantly thought a lot about how I could offset a “bad” meal with a “good” meal.

My weight fluctuated a lot throughout the years. In middle school, I got braces and lost a significant amount of weight because the pain of the braces just made it difficult to eat. In high school I gained a lot of weight from stress eating, but I was still able to maintain a relatively healthy weight because I played sports. 

The summer before my sophomore year of college, I was the heaviest I ever was in my entire life. It was the first time I had ever seen the number on the scale start with a “2”. That sent me into a depressive spiral where I essentially lost 20 pounds in one semester by starving myself, which then led to me trying to eat more because I was so scared of how thin I got. My weight didn’t stabilize until a couple years after college because of the pandemic, so it is only recently that I feel like I’ve actually started making any progress in regards to my fitness. 

At this point in my life, I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, but I still have issues with my weight. My goal this year was to try and gain more muscle and weight, so I’ve been eating more and tracking my protein intake. At my most recent doctor’s appointment, I realized I gained a significant amount of weight, but didn’t look like I gained that much weight, so I realized that I must be making some progress in the gym. I know that I’ve been feeling stronger in the gym with heavier lifts, so it was validating to see proof that it was paying off.

But of course, seeing the bigger number on the scale started to make me feel self conscious again, and I was wondering if I was eating too much or too little. This past weekend I was wearing a shirt that felt a little tight, and I felt insecure again and started to hate my body, but then I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym and think that I’m way too skinny to be thinking that. 

Part of me wonders if my life is just too boring, and the idle time is making my mind go places where it doesn’t need to go. At the end of the day, I know that I should feel thankful for having a healthy body with no injuries or chronic pain, so I’m trying to focus on the journey versus the destination when it comes to my fitness.