It was during an intro to journalism class I had to take after switching my major to communications. I was in my junior year of college, and I had just switched majors after bombing a physics midterm and realizing that I probably wasn’t going to be able to get a degree in electrical engineering if I continued to take more STEM classes.

I don’t remember exactly how the conversation started, but the professor had given us an assignment, then gave us time to work on it and brainstorm ideas with our peers. He had just given us the instructions prior to giving us the free time, but a girl in our class asked the professor what we were supposed to be doing 5 seconds after he just told everyone. I got annoyed and snapped at her. 

“He literally just told us five seconds ago. Are you stupid? ”

A couple people laughed. Her friend gave me a shocked look. I’ll admit, in the moment it felt really good to fire off a snarky comment in front of the entire class, but looking back, I don’t know why I said anything. 

There were definitely other times when something similar happened, and I decided to be short with someone instead of just being understanding. I was going through a lot in college. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and struggled a lot with suicidal thoughts. I felt very alone. I remember calling the suicide hotline and crying because I just didn’t know where else to turn. Getting out of bed every day was truly a challenge. 

The person I was back then is not the person that I truly am. That was a version of me that was struggling and easily irritable. If that scenario had happened to me now, I probably would’ve rolled my eyes and secretly texted a friend about how annoying the classmate was for doing something like that. 

When I reflect on how far I’ve come in my mental health journey, I wish that I could somehow travel back in time and tell the people that I encountered in the past that the version of me they had to deal with wasn’t the best version, and that a better version exists now. I wish they knew that I’m not so snappy with people and not so easily affected by little things anymore. I wish I could create the opportunity to leave the people I used to know with a new impression of me so they could remember me a lot better. 

I feel a little regretful that I’ll never really get that opportunity. Sometimes I think about if people are telling other people that I wasn’t a pleasant person to be around, and it makes me a little bit sad, but I also feel comforted by the fact that I’ve also made so many new friends and memories since my lowest period in college. 

I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come, and I feel happy now that I know I can handle hardships much better in my life.