About a year ago, I was absolutely head over heels in love with someone. 

He was someone that I had gotten to know through a local sports league. We had played against each other a couple of times in the league, and after one of the league nights, he invited me to join their practice group. I had really admired this person, and he was definitely my type, so I was excited to get to know him better. As I began to practice with him and the rest of the group, we all began to develop a friendship that led to us hanging out outside of our sports league and practices as well. 

Our relationship was very platonic. He already had a boyfriend, and he was older than me, so in my head I knew that the chances of us becoming a couple were very low, but I couldn’t help but like him. I remember one night he told me that I was like a little brother to him, and I went home feeling really happy to know that I meant something to this person. I felt special. 

He ended up breaking up with that boyfriend, and I didn’t think too much of it, because like I said, the likelihood of us being together was very low. I didn’t think to make a move or anything, until a couple of months later when I noticed that he was hanging out with other people. I don’t know how romantic these relationships were, but I felt a very strong ping of jealousy every time I saw him with someone else. I had always admired him as a big brother figure, but this jealousy was new. I was 100% in love with this man. 

The jealousy was eating me up to the point where I couldn’t really sleep one night, so I decided to do something really out of character for me and just tell him that I had feelings for him. You know that thrilling feeling when you do something you know you probably shouldn’t do, but still decide to do it anyways? Like when you go to your first college part with real alcohol (gasp) and have a drink even though you know you’re not technically supposed to drink until you’re twenty one? I knew it was risky to confess to a friend that you had feelings for them, but I didn’t really care. 

Surprisingly, he said that he liked me as well, and we ended up going out a couple times. Eventually, we both came to the conclusion that there was too much of an age gap, and that we would be better off being friends. When that decision was made, I didn’t have any regrets. I actually felt proud of myself for having taken a risk and making a decision to try and pursue something that I knew might not work out. It gave me confidence moving forward to try and be more confident when talking to people that I liked.

Unexpectedly, a short while after, he started hanging out with someone else in our practice group, and my confidence took a big hit.  The person that he was hanging out with was an attractive guy who was only a year older than me. I couldn’t help but feel upset considering the age gap was a factor in us not pursuing things further, and I started to pick myself apart, trying to see what was wrong with me compared to this new guy he was clearly interested in. Was I too ugly? Was my personality not good enough? Was I not a good enough conversationalist when we talked one-on-one? 

Had his new romantic interest been an older guy who was closer to him in age and was a better fit for him personality-wise, I wouldn’t have been as upset, because his behavior would’ve aligned with what he and I talked about when we hung out. The sadness I was feeling slowly turned into resentment, as I started to pick apart both the guy I liked and his new romantic interest. 

“Sh*tty people have sh*tty taste,” I tried to tell myself. This new romantic interest had an…interesting job, to put it nicely. He was paid under the table a lot, and didn’t tell people exactly what his real job was because no matter how sex-positive people are these days, it’s not a career choice you can really talk about casually alongside “investment banking” and “product marketing”. I figured, if you like someone like that, then you’re a trashy person, and obviously I felt way to good to be dating a trashy person.

I continued to try and make up hateful reasons in my mind why I was better than them, and why they would find each other attractive. I knew it was a coping mechanism for not being chosen and for my insecurities, but I couldn’t help but continue to do it even though I knew it wasn’t the healthiest thing to do. 

After a while, that pairing ended up not pursing things anymore, so I was just left with a lot of resentment towards the both of them that didn’t even really make any sense anymore considering they weren’t even a couple, or even hanging out that often for that matter. 

It was only until recently that I started to let go of a lot of that anger and resentment towards the both of them, and started to move on from all the negativity that was occupying a lot of space in my brain. I just came to the conclusion that when it comes to love and relationships, even if I thought was the better choice, it didn’t necessarily mean the other person had to believe I was the best choice for them as well. It also doesn’t mean that the other person hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. Mixing friendships and romantic relationships can get messy, and I now know how to approach things in a more mature way than before. 

I can’t choose how someone else can feel about me, but I can control how I react to other people not seeing me the way I want them to. It was a tough pill to swallow, but it was a good lesson for me to learn, and I’m proud of myself for growing from that moment.