Every now and then, I worry that I’m not contributing enough to conversations when I’m with my friends. I’m not shy, but when I don’t have anything to say, I’m not the type of person that’ll just say things to fill the space. A lot of times, I’ll either not say anything because I’m too worried about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or I’ll miss the moment to say what I want to say because I’m too busy overthinking how I can fit into the conversation at hand. It also doesn’t help that I don’t have a super loud voice, so sometimes I have to repeat myself, or people just don’t hear me when I say something.

It was something that caused me a lot of stress growing up. I found myself constantly trying to figure out how to squeeze myself in between the tight spaces of a naturally flowing group conversation, and always felt left out. Was I not interesting enough to contribute to a regular conversation between a group of friends? Did these people not like me? How is it that some people are so good at jumping into conversations, but I feel like I’m constantly watching from the sidelines, waiting for my turn to get playing time in the starting rotation? 

When I talk to myself a lot at home (not in a schizophrenic way, I promise), I feel like I have the confidence to be that person that cracks all the jokes and leads the conversations. I want to be that person. I want to know what it feels like to be able to have everyone gravitate towards you naturally in a social setting, and I want to feed off the energy of everyone else in the room.

But then, I remind myself that most of the times I’m actually an introvert that enjoys being silent in a corner. Sometimes, I just don’t have anything to contribute to a conversation. Sometimes, I don’t care about whatever conversation the larger group is having, so I feel like I can just take a step back and listen to what other people are talking about. 

I think at some point I realized that I shouldn’t be so stressed out by social interactions, especially with people that I enjoy being around. Who cares if I’m not saying anything most of the time? Hanging out with friends shouldn’t feel like a game where I’m trying to score points by saying the right things at the right time. 

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I’ve matured enough to realize that people probably aren’t too focused on how quiet I am in a social setting. They’re probably focusing on whatever thing is happening in the moment. It made me feel more comfortable being in various social settings, and since I have friends that keep inviting me to things, I have to assume that they feel comfortable hanging out with me, too.