It’s been a while since I’ve felt any butterflies in my stomach, and I don’t mean it just in a romantic way. I used to get that excited, nervous feeling when trying new restaurants, playing pickleball with my friends, while getting ready for a night out, etc.. My excitement for life in general is pretty nonexistent right now, and it worries me a little bit.

There’s a saying that boredom is a blessing, which I do agree with, but the problem is that I’m not bored because I’m sitting around doing “nothing”. I try and do a lot to fill up my time during the week.

I’m working a regular 9-5 job, and I’m also actively applying to other jobs as well, since I’m a freelancer and there’s always a possibility that my contract won’t get extended. I go to the gym four times a week, and I also play pickleball with my friends once or twice a week. I go to the movie theaters (local indie theaters and AMC) to watch films, and I also have been trying to expand my music taste by listening to a new album every few days. I’ve been trying to write more (hence this blog) since I’ve always wanted to do more creative personal writing outside of my regular copywriting job, and I’ve also been trying to read more because I eventually want to write a book or screenplay of my own. I’ve also been meal prepping as much as I can so I don’t have to spend too much money eating out, and planning out meals for the week is a job of its own. But at the end of the day, I still feel bored.

I’ve been thinking about picking up a new hobby, or joining a new sports league to shake things up a little bit, but I also don’t want to get rid of anything I’m doing right now, so I’m not really sure what to do. The only thing right now that has been giving me some level of pleasure is ordering fragrance samples online and testing them out, which hasn’t been the best thing for my wallet.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy anything ever. I went to the beach for the first time this summer last month, and it was one of the best days I had this summer. I also enjoy hanging out with friends on the weekends, going out to the bars, playing video games, and watching movies with them as well. I can enjoy things, but I revert back to being bored and uninterested pretty quickly, which is the frustrating part.

I think what I’m really struggling with is trying to balance spontaneity with structure in my life. I’ve been trying to slim down a little bit, so I’ve been watching what I’m eating, which makes it difficult for me to go out and be social with friends if that hang out is going to involve eating and drinking. I think I’m also struggling to figure out the difference between doing things for fun vs. doing things for the betterment of my personal goal of being a creative writer full time. I try to finish a movie every two days and finish a book every week, both for educational purposes and personal entertainment purposes, and sometimes it feels like a chore versus a thing that I should be enjoying. I know it’s important to be knowledgeable about notable works as a creative, but every time I watch something I get sad knowing that there’s still so much I haven’t watched or read yet.

I know it takes time to build a quality life, and I do believe that I’ll get to live the life that I want someday, but it is really difficult sometimes when I don’t really see anything in my life that feels like a metaphorical carrot dangling in front of me for motivation. For now, I’ll just keep on trucking along, and hopefully the satisfaction will eventually follow.