*parody news

After failing to get defined abs again for another summer, a local amateur gym goer declared that he will officially be entering “bulking season” for the foreseeable future. While the exact length of the season is unclear, sources close to the gym goer have stated that they believe it will go through the end of this year and extend into the next.

“He’s ready to eat,” said Colin, aged 28. “He’s sick of eating his meal prep all of the time. I think he went to the Cheesecake Factory three times in the last two weeks already.”

According to the gym goer, his “skinny frame” has led him to be too cold inside his own home, and he believes that putting on some weight for the winter will keep him warm.

“Brandy Melville would be throwing themselves at my feet if they saw the way I look right now. It’s too much.”

However, the gym goer’s building manager alleges that the claim is false.

“He’s definitely been taking cold showers all summer. I don’t see any hot water usage from his unit at all. He has definitely been sweating buckets this whole time.”

When reached for comment regarding clarification to the building manager’s response, the gym goer mumbled something about HIPAA violations and said he was late for a doctor’s appointment.

Our reporters later found him at a Panda Express ordering a three-entree plate with an extra egg roll and sweet and sour sauce on the side. All three entrees were Orange Chicken.